7 Suggestions from Seven: An open letter to Thai bar girls (that not a single one of them will ever read)

Dear Thai bar girls, gogo dancers, freelancers, and karaoke hostesses,

First let me say for now and forever: I love you, I apologize for my behavior, and thank you for your service. You are a bright spot in the black hole of PC 3rd wave feminazi culture slowly ruining all of Western society. You give me a reason to earn a living, and to venture out of my apartment. Without you, I’m sure I would’ve become a horrid recluse or shot up a McDonald’s by now. You keep me happy, and I’m grateful for you every day of my life. Having said that, though, in the hope of making your lives (and mine) a little better, or at least run more smoothly, may I be bold enough to offer a few suggestions?

1—be loyal to your loyal customers. While it may seem in the moment that the rich-looking middle aged Japanese first-time tourist who just walked in would be the best mark, the truth is you’re going to be better-off in the long run by giving preferential treatment to the regulars. Sure, that guy may spend more on you tonight—he’s on holiday, a “one-week millionaire”—but over the course of a year, you’re going to get a lot more out of the old fart who buys you a drink every night. It’s basic math.

2—If you don’t know me, some small talk is in order before asking for a beverage. I know, you’re probably not an English wordsmith, but how else are you going to learn? Also, if you seem even slightly more interested in me than in the drink, I’ll be happier about buying it. We both win.

3—Don’t get jealous. I’m Seven. I know everybody, including most of the girls you work with, so if I grab the boob of your coworker, it doesn’t mean I want to marry her. And there’s plenty of me to go around. Your standing isn’t being threatened. I’m still going to roll up a hundred baht and stuff it in your bra. Take it easy.

4—If I’m friends with your girlfriend at work, we are not automatically friends. When I buy her a drink, it does not entitle you to one. I don’t mind if you ask, but don’t get your panties in a bunch if I say no. Try again tomorrow. I might be in a more amicable mood.

5—Smile, honeybunch! You’re so pretty when you smile. It makes me want to give you money. In my job, when I’m in a bad mood it brings down everyone else in the room. So I have to fake it. Even when I feel terrible, I put on a happy face because I know it affects the people around me. This is even truer for you. Dancing and frowning don’t mix, and it definitely doesn’t increase sales. Chin up, buttercup. There’s a lot to smile about. For starters, I’ve got my arm around you. Things are already turning around.

6—Fool me once, shame on us both. But I’ll forgive you—once. If you act up again, you’re done. No third chances. My gravy train comes with one very important condition: that you don’t complicate my world in any way. If you start even a little drama, you’re fired. If you use emotion to try to get your way, you’re out on your ass. If you say you’re coming by at 6:00 and 7:00 rolls around and you’re still not here, I’m heading to Paddy Field and you’re sh*t outa luck. Permanently.

7—Say yes to a tasteful, artistic naked photo session. It’s just for my personal use. I’m serious. It’s not hurting anybody, and I’ll never show them to anyone, as far as you know.



  1. 1. So we must choose – one customer always buy one drink for us. Or new customer, yes you right. He on holiday, want to spend money for fun. He buy us many drinks. We make a choose. We make choose like this every night. And sometime we have customer same like friend. Buy us drink, like to talk. Come many times. And when they are real friend, they understand. Sorry. Tonight have rich customer. Some are good men. They say, yes, you go with him, so you make money. But other customer angry us – say they buy drink for us every time, why we not sit with them. But no customer come every night. Maybe customer come twenty time. But then they find other girl, other bar. Always same this. How we know you come tomorrow? Sometime we have friend – not see for one year. He come back happy to see me. So he think I must sit with him. But he not come for one year. I have new customer. New friend.

    2. You want girl who speak English, who can know what you say if you talk about Trump. But so why that girl who have most customer are girl speak no English, young girl, just come from country?

    3. We no choose you. You choose us. You choose what you want. You want girl to fuck, you want girl to sit get drunk with you. Or you want friend? Yes. Not only money for make me happy. You nice guy, you want sit, you want talk, you want know about my life, I can be friend. But if you my friend, I get angry when you sit with other girl, not talk me, not want know me. Then I know, okay, you not friend. You only customer. You buy drink, I sit with you. You pay barfine I go with you. But why you pretend I same friend, when you not want. You can pay me for go out bar, you can pay me for drink. But you cannot pay for be my friend.

    4. Sorry sometime I not smile for you. I try. I come bar every night. Only get two day off. I dance even when sick. I drink tequila too much – sometime better I drunk. I sit with you. Maybe I like you. Maybe I hate you. Maybe you think you buy one drink, you can put finger down me. And maybe I have problem. Maybe I get month money, cut so not have money for pay room. Maybe my father call me want money. Maybe my boyfriend drunk again screw around. What problem you have? But I sorry. My job to make you happy. I sorry cannot do always.

    5. You say I come 7.00 not 6.00, that make you think you no like me, no want see me, ever. That okay for me. You so crazy like that, I think maybe best not see me.

    6. You want take picture of me naked? You say not show no one. Okay. I have friend lawyer. He write contract – same Donald Trump. But you show or send anyone, you must give me four million Baht. Okay?

  2. I’d say Noy won that hands down. There’s an attitude in the first letter that sucks. The guy is strutting – posturing – implying “see how lucky you are…” Honeybunch? Buttercup? Does anyone talk like that any more? “If I grab the boob of your coworker – it doesn’t mean…” sure it doesn’t. It means you’re a disrespectful moron. And “plenty of me to go around…” Is that a confession about an eating disorder or more preening. Absolutely odious letter – suggests the author has a problem getting on with Thai girls – reading the letter I can see why. Instead of 7 points – just try showing a bit of respect and it will be paid back to you many times over.

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